Not a bad programme - little documentary about the edges of the country where they meet the sea. Splendid.

The long-haired Scottish fella who presents it is okay too. I'm not about to start a rant about him though. So why am I mentioning him you ask?

It's that bag - that man-bag he carries with him all the time. On screen he always has it with him. Why? TV presenters on location have a team of people who do the camera work, sort the lighting, directing, food, drink etc and a general runner who does all the odds and sods. If the presenter needs stuff - they sort it for him - he doesn't need to carry it round with him in his own little bag.

So why does he carry it? Well.....either he has it for effect - to be a little trendy f**ker and make a fashion statement. However, his kagoul and Marty Pellow haircut would tend to suggest he's not a Hoxton fashion type.

So - the only other reason can be......it's got his special precious stuff in it. There must be a collection of items he holds dear in some sort of weird clingy way - or they're just too secret to let anyone else carry and he needs them at all times.

So what's in the bag? Porn mags and a bag of special toffees and a picture of his childhood sweetheart who is now married to an engineer in Hartlepool? Is it his special hammer for cleaning the streets and some rubber gloves and bleach? Is it the Turin shroud? Is it a huge bag of E's for when the show gets dull and he needs to boost his enthusiasm levels before the next interview with some bloke pointing at lichen on a rock?

I wish I knew.

I like coffee. Not that instant shite - that bears no real relation to coffee.

I like ground coffee beans with hot water on them. Except it's a hassle to make. So I was most pleased to discover coffee bags. Ground coffee - in a bag. Like tea bags!!! Brilliant - easy to use and I'm surprised they haven't been around longer.

Except they are each individually wrapped in a foil packet in a great big box which seems utterly pointless when they could be in a single big foil pack - just a gimmick if you ask me.

Then I noticed the other day what was written on each packet - right next to the tiny little slit.

"Tear here" ???? No - that would be too easy.

"Tear here to open" ????- no - far too straightforward.

How about "Tear gently to free your coffee bag"

WTF!?!?! Tear it GENTLY to FREE your coffee bag. What sort of nonce idiot dreams that stuff up!?! I'm not drinking it any more out of principle because idiots write nonsense on the packets.

Please, please, PLEEEEASE...........

If you have children under the age of 4, don't take them on aeroplanes unless you have taught them some form of discipline. Those of us who sensibly choose not to go on long haul foreign trips with small kids have no way of escaping your screaming little shits for several hours you selfish, small-minded fools.

If they are under 12 months old it is hardly their fault if they are crying or whatever - but why take them on a foreign holiday???

When I was little we went to Wales or Cornwall in the car so that our tantrums were only inflicted on our parents who CHOSE to be shut in a form of transport with us.

So - wait til they're over four and not prone to crying/squealing and then you won't ruin the flight for SEVERAL HUNDRED PEOPLE, MANY OF WHOM ARE TRYING TO GET SOME SLEEP AND NONE OF WHOM CAN GET AWAY FROM YOUR WAILING LITTLE BANSHEES.

Oh yes - and in the brief time I have spent in two pubs since the smoking ban came in I've noticed that now they are no longer smokey, unhealthy places to be - more parents are bringing their fucKing kids into the pub.

Not the big chain, diner-style, happy to have kids there type pubs - but decent proper pint and a game of darts REFUGE FROM THE FAMILY type pubs.

Having a pint should be accompanied by fags, darts and blue jokes, not the screams of children and women glaring at you for swearing because little Milly is nearby doing her colouring in and having a glass of coke.

I don't hate kids - well, actually I do - but isn't it best that they are either
(a) taught to behave; or
(b) not forced by their parents to spend 11 hours on a plane

Trust me - when you're 3 you can have as much fun in Devon as Disney World.

No, I didn't think so.

So why are you wearing shades indoors? You sad, deluded tool.

If you were Keith Richards, or Ozzy or Steven Tyler - you could get away with it. But you're not. You're some chav lad with a spiky haircut in a bar who thinks he's it.

Well stop it. Anyone who is not in a band who wears shades indoors is a total and utter arse-wipe.

John Denver’s latest album pukes out of the speakers and into our homes like the purest statement of intent. “I’m not f**king dead, you lot” he seems to say. Although he doesn’t ever say that.

The album begs the question….but never proffers the answer(s). And therein lies its beauty - albeit a really frustrating beauty whose face you want to scratch with handfuls of straw.

It fills your ears but never involves your eyes or mouth. It’s a collection of words and chords and bits of stuff that sounds like an orchestra of windmills laughing at the notion that Todd Carty could ever have a successful spin-off series from Eastenders when his character is essentially two-dimensional and relies wholly on interaction with characters that are already well-established.

I think that Tony Parsons summed up our loss most succinctly when he wrote the words “Oh you bloody plane you. Bloody bad bloody plane. So much you did rob us of with this dear sweet man whom you took from us”.

Yes.

Well, as I went to my place of work today certain civic buildings were coned off so you can't pick up or drop off outside them. Vehicles can pass by down the road as normal, but the bit next to the pavement outside the building is cordoned off.

With the terrorist burning jeep hopeless nonsense that did nothing other than singe the occupants and annoy the airport authorites, I guessed this was related. So I asked the nearby plod "Why is this coned off?"

Reply "To stop people who may be car bombers"

But of course. I should have known that if you are hurtling at high speed towards the entrance of a large civic building in a 4x4 packed with half a ton of explosives, that a row of 18 inch high yellow cones with "Police" written on them will stop the impact.

Why do they bother? Or do they think terrorists are real sticklers for Highway regulations and will think "Well, I was going to park my car outside the council house there and detonate it, but if I were to stop I would be breaching the local parking by-laws and that's n ot what I'm about. No, sir. I'm a law-abiding suicidal maniac intent on murdering dozens of innocent civilians".

Or (and stop me if I'm being cynical here) perhaps it's the government yet again trying to con us into thinking they are doing something useful about the problem by doing something noticeable yet useless.

How about a sensible look at our foreign policy and why it is we keep pissing off half the Muslim population of the world, rather than the sticking-plaster-on-a-severed-limb approach we currently have.

Not from a Mesa Boogie head with a Gibson SG jammed against it with the volume turned up to 11.......from people on e-bay.

I get something in the post from an e-bay seller and it's all in order and I write nice things on the feedback form because I think that's all very nice.

So.....I end up with two tickets to the Metallica show at Wembley this weekend and I can't go. So......do I flog them (they are front standing tickets - sold out section) on e-bay for a huge profit??

No - Buy It Now - face value and I don't even charge them postage. Some bloke purchases them and I send them First Class recorded delivery and at the same time e-mail him to let him know they have been sent and wishing him a very jolly time at what promises to be a stunning gig.

Nothing. No response, no feedback, nothing.

So I send another e-mail a week later asking politely if he got the tickets? Still nothing.

Before anyone thinks "he may be on holiday" - the gig is this weekend so I doubt it. He gets an absolute bargain for a sold out gig and I e-mail him twice to check he gets the tickets ok and I get no feedback.

What a c**t.

Hmm, maybe I should write that on his feedback?