Trick please…

Come on then you pasty-faced nylon-tracksuit wearing little shitheads in your crappy Woolworth's masks thrusting forward your grubby little paws in the expectation of sweets or, more to the point, cash (it seems from the demands of the local 'yoof' in my area) show me your "trick".

You aren't getting a treat from me, this is not America. Demanding money with menaces is not cute. As if there aren't enough of you little sacks of puke letting off fireworks til 3am every night without banging on my front door all frigging night whilst I'm trying to watch a movie after a 12 hour day at work.

So - show me your trick - bearing in mind I have come to the front door in MY Halloween costume (DM boots, boiler suit, Voorhees-style hockey mask and large kitchen knife) let's see what you've got???

Hey - come back......

Where are you going?

Why are you running off looking petrified? I thought I was supposed to be scared by your little Halloween pranks?

Hmmmm. Wonder if they'll be back next year.

Oh - and parents - if your kids ARE going to go "trick or treating" (how can three words be a verb?!!) then have the decency to accompany them on a cold dark night when they are effectively wandering around the neighbourhood knocking on strangers' doors and playing the role of every paedophile's fantasy.

"Hey mister....you got any treats for me?"

Irresponsible idiots.

It's quite simple.

There are too many wars, too many pub fights, too much civil unrest, too many arguments. People are always fighting.

We need to do something to promote peace and I thought about a march or a protest or some campaign but that all seems like a great deal of hassle to be honest. However - wanking is something we all do, at least once a day, and it's fun (I assume everyone does do it at least once a day, right?!?). So why not wank for peace?

I suggested this idea to a few people and they said that they couldn't actually see how it would help. None of them questioned my enthusiasm for wanking nor my commitment to peace, but they couldn't see how it would help.

Well, here's how. War is about aggression. Fights start because people have too much pent-up aggression. What better way to release it than a good old fiddle!? These warmongering lunatics are primarily religious types - and their leaders are ususally revered Religious icons. And what do senior religious figures all have in common? They're celibate. They get no sexual release. It all builds up and they get aggressive.

So I say let's all have a wank - everyone - and encourage your friends and family to do it too. Be careful how you phrase it and which of your friends and family you address your comments to or you could have a really awkward meal time.

So - one and all - come forth and come forth - let us wank for peace.